Back in the days when men were men?

Ah, LOTR…Totally Irrelevant Photo =)

I was told by my work that I am only allowed to write about my personal life, not about work per se.  I am not totally sure what that means, but I am hoping they are just referring to “talking about the actual things we are doing” and not “talking about anything remotely to do with work/having a job/how I feel”.  It is a strange feeling, being beholden to a company or organisation which you depend on for money…I know that is really what “working” is all about, but I had never really taken it that seriously before (for all my sense of responsibility, having someone tell me what I can and can’t do has never been a strong point, just ask my parents =P).

Suffice it to say I work for a large oil services company and so my job is based on the oil and gas rigs, truly male dominated territory.

What is interesting about this though, is how different working in a male dominated field is from studying in one.  I had never even given the issue much thought at all, considering since from about grade 10 I had taken traditionally male subjects and studied mechanical engineering (with less than 10 girls in a class of a couple of hundred).  I honestly thought it wouldn’t even be an issue, I would be ‘all over it’.

Perhaps that was my naivety.

What is the difference? When studying, you grew up with your mates, saw them as colleagues, friends, community, family.  Gender seemed not to be an issue, because the guys saw you as just another student or friend.

Out here in the oil and gas fields, those rules don’t apply anymore.

I won’t say that it is an absolute either way – some people will treat women with kids gloves and try to do anything for them, while others will disregard us and think that we shouldn’t be on the rigs or simply incapable of doing the job as well as a man (not even jokingly…they actually think we can’t do a job because of our chromosomes)…but the fact is that our gender matters, and is a defining part of how we are seen and dealt with.

For someone who has spent the last seven or eight years trying to not make that an issue, that is galling indeed.

An interesting experience though nonetheless, and one that I am embracing.

…and hey, as the fellas say as they chew and spit their dip, “Welcome to the Oil Fields!”

Women in the East, Women in the West: Finding the middle ground.

Have you ever had your fundamental beliefs about your role in society challenged?

I never thought it would be so…confusing.

Having recently returned from a four month stint in Sudan, I have been trying to reconcile what I saw and experienced there with my experience growing up in Australia as an Aussie chick.  I think I am still figuring it all out…

I never really considered myself a true victim of the “identity crisis” issues that were said to plague first and second generation migrants that make Australia their home.  I considered myself ‘Straylian through and through, from the way I talked and thought, to my mates and sports of choice (except for cricket…soccer girl all the way).  I loved the fact that I could walk into a pump shop at a mine site in central Queensland as a hijabi-wearing-Sudanese-born gal and instantly relate to the old mates working maintenance because, well, I grew up here. This was my country, these were my people.

I felt comfortable with the choices I had made: my degree and career (mechanical engineer, pretty butch), my sport (boxing: yup, as feminine as they come) and the belief that my gender played no part in the role I was to play in society.  My mantra was pretty much “well if the boys can do it, I can do it too”.  My father was naturally horrified, but hid it well and mostly accepted that was who I had become.

Boy, was I in for a treat when I got to Sudan.

My first month was…interesting.  Not because of the heat, or the conditions or the lack of system…but because of the cultural expectations that were placed on me that I just wasn’t accustomed to.  I understood and accepted the bare bones of it all (after all, my parents brought me up as a Sudanese woman), but what frustrated me was the clear discrepancy between the roles of men and women and the unwritten rules that I was expected to adhere to.

Sport was a big one – my grandmother couldn’t understand why I wanted to train on the local track, competed with my uncle in pushups or was so interested in exercise.   It wasn’t even the obviously masculine things that were different: Apparently the way I walked, sat, talked, laughed…the issues I wanted to debate (politics isn’t for women!) and the interests that I had were all unfeminine and undesirable in a respectable Sudanese woman. 

I used to joke to my aunt: “Someone should write a rule book on “How to live life as a Sudanese woman” so I don’t keep putting my foot in it and doing the wrong thing”

She would just laugh.  “This is how it is here…”

At first, I found it funny.   I loved being the odd one out, flying in the face of what was acceptable, just being me.  Then it began to frustrate me.  Why was I being judged on things that had nothing to do with my true character? Why weren’t my cousins fighting for their rights as women!

It isn’t as if my cousins were “oppressed”.  Hardly.  My cousins are all studying or working and my aunts all have higher degrees.  Their English is great and they are all well educated and well read.  In fact, one aunt is running one of the biggest businesses in Sudan!  So the opportunity for women to do things is there. Yet… I still couldn’t understand how the women were living with such cultural restrictions.

My cousin shed some light on her perspective one night and said something that I had never considered before.

“It is so cool that you are travelling and doing all this stuff and seeing the world Yassmina, but that is your world.  You have to accept what we have accepted that this is our world and we have to operate in it.  It’s not as bad as you think! We know what we have to do and the role we have to play to be a good woman, a good wife, a good Sudanese and a good Muslim, so we do that.  We don’t want to make our lives harder by looking for things that we don’t really need…”

My aunt echoed a similar sentiment.  “You might look at me and say woah, she has a degree but she is sitting at home taking care of the house, how oppressed is she!  But I love doing this! I love taking care of the house, cooking and being there for my family, and many others do as well.  I work [she has a teaching job], but I work hours that will suit the family because at the end of the day, the family is most important.  You might disagree Yassmina, but the woman is better suited to bringing up a family; you can’t have a home without a mother…and I am happy to fill that role”.

Hold up! I thought.  Yes, there were some societal inequalities that women had issues with and were wanting to have resolved…but by and large they were happy with the role they were playing in life? They **wanted** to be caregivers and homemakers? Wait…does this mean our entire definition of success differs? Huh? Didn’t they want to be liberated?

Yikes.  Now I was confused and I began to wonder…

Maybe there is some validity in the way my family see the role of a woman. Maybe it is too crazy for me to expect a man to have an equal share in the housework. Maybe, as a woman, I have to think about my role as a procreator and a homemaker as just as, if not more important, than my career…

If you know me at all, you would know those thoughts are truly at odds with how I tend to see the world.

There is another aspect to it too, one that I haven’t talked about here, and that is how the women see it as their Islamic duty to be the caregivers and the homemakers.  This was harder for me to deal with, because I don’t have the scholarly Islamic knowledge to confidently refute what they were saying.

So I reached a point where I was at a loss.

Do I forget about everything I saw and learnt in Sudan and continue living life the way I had been in Australia, with gender not being a factor in my decisions because “that’s how I grew up”? 

Or, do I follow the path described by my cultural background, where all my decisions are largely based on gender and gender roles… because that is “where I am from?”

I had – and sometimes still have – difficulty reconciling what I grew up with and what my background encourages. The thing is, I think the expected role of a Sudanese woman in society is at odds with the expected role as an Australian woman in society.

How does one deal with that?

***

I guess for me, I think I am beginning to realise that the idea that “women can have it all” is fair enough, but perhaps for me should be amended to “women can have whatever they want”.  If they want the house and kids that’s great, and if they want the career that is within their rights as well.  Having it all at the same time though… that might be a little more difficult.

I don’t have a concrete answer to my mental dilemma just yet. All I do know is that I feel there needs to be a middle ground, and that is the one that I choose to take, inshallah. A path that takes into account that I am a woman, but that doesn’t limit my choices, it informs them.

If there is one thing I took away from the trip, it is this: It is important, as a woman, to recognise that if (and inshallah when) you choose to have a family, the role as a mother is invaluable and cannot be substituted… and that gender does play a factor in the family dynamic, whether we like it or not.

***

How it will all play out and how much will I take from that lesson? I guess only time will tell…

What about you? How do you see the role of women in society? Have you ever had your views so challenged?

***

Cultural Sh-Sh-Shock. Part II

As I mentioned yesterday, traveling brings out the differences in our social fabric, and sometimes these differences are a little more difficult to get used to.  Even though I was brought up in a Sudanese household, there are a few things that are extraordinarily different when you actually live in Sudan, as I quickly found out, and some of those differences are illustrated below... (Note: I love Sudan, I really do. I was born there and am a proud Sudanese. Some of the below have a slight ironic tone, please take it all in good humour).

1. Communal or family based living

This is a theme that underscores many of the societal differences that I have found in Sudan.  Even though I think my parents did try to engender this concept in their kids while living in Australia, it didn't quite hit home like it does now. In Australia for example, everyone looks out for themselves.  Everyone largely lives their own life, as the individual unit is seen as the most important.  The complete opposite is true here in Sudan and many other "Eastern" nations; the family unit is what matters, or at least the "community" and the concept of doing things for individual success, pleasure or improvement is largely foreign.

This manifests itself in a number of ways, such as:

2. Everybody knows (or needs to know) everything

I am used to being a relatively independent person and making independent decisions.  However, in a community and family unit based society such as Sudan, this isn't how things are done.

If I want to go anywhere or do anything, everyone in the house seems to need to know.  

In my case, it needs firstly to be cleared with the grandma of course. We then check if the place is safe, known and reputable.  An aunt, a cousin or two and another member of the family (maybe even my parents in Aus) also need to be told before I leave, just in case.  If I am late by a minute or two... the phones start ringing.

They tell me this is for my own safety, and I am sure it is, as I don't know the lay of the land.  However for someone used to just "doing things", the level of familial bureaucracy can be slightly ...odd.

It is all part of protecting my reputation of course... because:

3, Your reputation is your life!

There are two parts to this: As I was duly informed by my grandmother when I arrived, my reputation is my most important asset, and if I ever want a good husband (oh lol) and accordingly a good life, I would do everything in my power to be "bit naas", or "a respectable girl".  

This includes:

1. Only going or being seen at "appropriate" places (this includes university, my family's house... and restaurants, with family of course)

2. Not being out at night (sunset curfew, unless I am at a sanctioned event with family)

3. Being able to serve (i.e. Bring tea/drinks/appropriate food out, clean quickly and quietly etc)

4. Being "agreeable"...and so on and so forth.

You get the point.  This emphasis on my "reputation" is quite important you see, as it dictates what people "think about me" and my "marriage prospects"...

Again, for someone who is used to "just doing things because I want to", having to think about what others think of me and what my actions say not only about me, but my entire family is quite a lot to take in while planning an outing.  

The issue is also, not only doing the right thing, but always appearing to do the right thing. So if there are actions that are right but might be misconstrued (e.g. returning home at night, even with family) this is to be avoided at all costs, lest the neighbours talk!

4. No Concept of Privacy

So I have definitely had to get used to a new sense of "sharing", in two different senses.

Firstly, at the University I attend, my property seems to be everyone else's property as well! 

For example, if I leave my bag unattended (or I look away briefly), and I will return to find someone going through my bag to "borrow" a pen or rubber or drink my iced water (which you can't buy at uni....). A classmate once borrowed my phone to listen to a song, and continued to, unapologetically and without permission, browse through all my messages and photos! I was rather shocked, until I realised this is seen as normal!

I stopped her when she started critising my photos ("why are you taking photos of the street?"   "...") and she genuinely looked offended at my taking offense.  It truly seems that there is no such thing as "mine only"...

The second aspect is the concept of personal space.  Being used to (in Aus) having my desk and study space where I zone out and work, not having similar "alone time" here has been quite interesting, as people are around you all the time.  In fact, taking yourself away from the conversation or a get together is seen as odd, because people are very social and community based.  I think of myself as an extrovert, but I do need my space to think...

Maybe all that Australian space makes me spoilt :P

5. (This is a big one) The difference in expectations and opportunities for men and women.

I could write an entire post about this topic and how it has made me feel while living in Sudan.

Suffice to say, as a women who is a mechanical engineer, I am not stranger to people telling me "that's not what women do".

But truly, the limitations placed on women simply because they are women!!! in this society boils my blood.

"It is not safe for women!" They tell me.

"Respectable girls don't do that!"

"You will never get married if you don't learn how to cook!"

"What kind of girl are you if you don't roll your hair!"

"Sport isn't for women!"

"Be more sophisticated!"

....

Never have I felt more powerless or incapable purely because of my gender.

(To be continued...)

(NB: All this makes me sometimes wonder at my claimed ethnicity. I didn't realise I was such a "first worlder!")

Have you guys had any experience with culture shock, especially from a culture you thought you knew really well??

Culture Sh-Sh-Shock! Part I

Well this post has been a long time coming. Having been fortunate enough Alhamdulilah to have spent the last few months travelling, I have come to realise that although I am born in Sudan, my cultural norms and expectations and behaviours are in fact, largely Australian.  Even though my parents brought me up speaking Arabic and sticking largely to Sudanese/Arab norms, having spent some time in Sudan now, there are still a few cultural differences that have, well, shocked me (just a tad ya' know...).

It truly does reinforce the fact that visiting a country and living in a country are completely different things.

That being said though, now having traveled briefly through Asia, there are also a few things that were unexpectedly different and caught me by surprise.  I do love the realisation that others truly do things differently so here are a few things that caught my attention...In this first part of the series I will talk mostly about the more superficial cultural differences I experienced in Asia (superficial only because I was a visitor here and haven't immersed myself in the culture enough to know more), and will continue tomorrow with those I have found in Sudan.

1. Difference in concepts of "Personal Space"

While travelling in Malaysia and Singapore, and even in Sudan, I noticed that there was quite a different concept of the "personal bubble". Perhaps because in Australia I am used to such large spaces with such few people: strangers rarely come too close (unless you hop on a full bus or train) and if they bump into you, people usually apologise.  That same concept doesn't seem to exist everywhere else -- at first when someone bumped into me or stood really close and didn't apologise I felt quite affronted, until I realised that was perhaps the norm...

2. Shop keepers "waiting and watching"

This only happened in Malaysia but it become something that really did frustrate me.  I would enter a shop, greet the shop keeper and begin browsing... only to find the shop keeper standing half a meter away, looking at me expectantly.  I would smile, move away...and she would follow me! Again, this relates to the personal space thing, but I felt quite strangely uncomfortable with someone essentially watching over my shoulder.  It was a strange feeling, almost as if I was concerned about the lady judging my choices or trying to hurry me up... Either way, quite often I would either say to the person (more than once) "I'm ok, I can deal with it from here..." or "I will let you know when I am done..." and if they insisted on just standing there or following me, I thanked them and left the shop. It really did make my retail therapy a little...strange.

3. Difference in height and size in general

Now, I don't think I am an extremely tall or large person per se, I just have ahem "presence" (and as my grandmother likes to say, "large bones").  What this means though is that in places such as Singapore and Malaysia, not only does nothing fit (the largest shoe size in all the shops is two sizes smaller than mine...) but the beds in the hotels are too short!  I honestly laughed when I lay on the bed and found my feet hanging off the end...

4. Different sense of humour

I think this applies to all the places I have traveled... the dry, ironic humour that I am used to (witty repartee as I like to think, haha) doesn't seem to translate as well, either in the South East Asian nations or in Sudan.  I am usually met with confounded looks or a picture of slight offense.  My days of being the joker..well, are quite over.

Oh.  Perhaps everyone in Australia just laughed at my jokes to be polite? One will never know...

5. Food

Suffice to say, I loved it (the extra few kilos on my torso that I left Malaysia with will attest to that). However the idea of rice, noodles and curries (?) for breakfast, lunch and dinner was a little strange at first. Lucky my stomach isn't too fussy!

So these are some of the more day to day (superficial la) differences that I found interesting and unexpected.  Living in Sudan though, some of the cultural differences are a little more difficult to deal with and do hit more close to home..